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April 2003   Ted Lang
The Dumb, The Smart, And The Ugly-The Bubba Ban Man By Ted Lang


By: Ted Lang

Finally found! Weapons of "mash distraction" have been located, and are about to be rendered harmless via legislation signed, sealed, and delivered directly from the Oral Office of the White House. Thatís right folks, not left! President George "Dubya" Bush has committed himself to taking the necessary action, and the draft of the legislation is in left-wing Democratic Senator Dianne Feinsteinís handbag - in there right next to her licensed liberal "dumb gun!" Why would a smart liberal such as Diannne carry a "dumb handgun" you might be motivated to ask? Thatís easy to answer say I. Liberals carry "dumb guns" because they are safer for the user than the targeted attacker; hence, only "stupid Republicans" believe in "smart guns," especially the stupid Republicans from New Jersey. Of course, there are no "liberal" Republicans in New Jersey; only Republicans best described as being "moderate" Americans.

And if it is open season targeting the attributes of guns, the latter forever protected from "assault" by the ten limitations put upon the federal government by the Bill of Rights, particularly the Second, why shouldnít Republicans join Bill Clinton, New York Senator Chuck Schumer and Senator Diannnne in extending the "ugly rifle" ban?

"Huh?" you say. Donít tell me that you are so misinformed and propagandized by Bill OíReilly and the FOXNews channel that you believe that the Bill of Rights applies to individual American citizens? Why even the "O" factor, they being Bill OíReilly and his friend Rosie OíDonnell, believes in the incremental replacement of the Nationís rule of law with Rosieís opinion: "All gun owners should be sent to jail!" As former Georgetown University Law School professor and former part-time President "Bill the Shill" Clinton offered, "The Second Amendment only gives us the right to hunt."

But that does not mean that each and every American has that right! Americans with "ugly rifles," especially the ones using them for "skeet shooting" and the annual NRA St. Valentineís Day machine-gun and RPG demonstration, are prohibited from exercising this right. According to the Leftafornia Ninth Short-Circuit Court, only the Air National Guard is allowed unfettered access to semi-automatic "ugly rifles." Thatís because they are high fliers, and reach altitudes directly "under G-d!"

In fact, why do you or I need a gun at all? Especially those that are ugly? That question is the foundation and primary concept of the James and Sarah Brady Handgun Control Corporation of the United States of America. I know, I know - itís no longer called that. Something about tax laws that gives them a tax advantage allowing their supporters to deduct contributions as tax write-offs while the millions of members of the NRA canít do the same for their contributions for preserving and protecting the Constitution, something the president and the Congress should be doing. They are all busy, and have better things to do! Now 46 pilots have guns to prevent another 9-11!

James Brady was shot by a cute little gun proving that no gun is safe! And Mr. Brady is now confined to a wheelchair. All the police officers and the Secret Service agents armed with machine pistols and fully automatic weapons were unable to defend and protect Mr. Brady from that dangerous little "dumb gun." So you really canít blame the Brady Center for the Perpetual Vigilance and Monitoring of all Law-Abiding Citizens to Assure That Everyone is Guilty Until Proven Innocent of Any and All Charges and Thatís Why You Canít Have a Gun for advocating that guns are unnecessary except in the hands of trained, professional, employees of government in the form of the police and the military.

Some people think an "assault rifle" is a machine-gun, and with the ugly little air holes and flash suppressors, man, theyíre ugleeeeeeeeeeee! So we should all be grateful to President Bush and Senator Diannnnnnnnnnnnnnne Feinstein for making US happy for the rest of our lives!

Ted Lang is a columnist for the The Patriotist and the Sierra Times He is a regular columnist for Ether Zone.