BASELESS BUSH ADVICE FOR FURTHER ALIENATING SUPPORTERS
By: Rich Smith
They’re in a panic at the White House. Having now announced plans to massively bolster funding for the National Endowment of the Arts, Bush political advisors worry they’ll soon run out of ideas for alienating the president’s conservative base.
I mean, really. After pushing a solid left-wing agenda almost since the day he was inaugurated, there’s not much more Bush can do to cement his credentials as a future one-termer: the disastrous Kennedy-written education bill, free-speech-assaulting campaign-finance laws, the Medicare prescription drugadelic rave party, red-carpet treatment for illegal aliens, and so much more.
Accordingly, I’d like to come to the president’s rescue by offering a few suggestions on initiatives he and his Re-Elect Bush ‘04 team can trot out to keep the hemorrhage-of-support juggernaut rolling. THE FEDERAL BIRKENSTOCK ACT. This proposed law, which Bush would unveil at a commune outside Taos, N.M., will provide federal funding sufficient to put a pair of Birkenstock sandals in every closet in every home in all 50 states. The Birkenstock Act also will make the wearing of this particular shoe – popular for decades among kook leftists – mandatory for all U.S. citizens over the age of 14. Key benefit: with everyone wearing the ugly footwear, it no longer will be necessary for airport security screeners to demand passengers remove their shoes to inspect for hidden weapons, since Birkenstocks afford no conceal-ability of such items.
NATIONAL HUG (OR KISS) A GAY DAY. Credit for this base-buster goes to Britney Spears and Madonna, whose infamous lip-lock on TV almost a year ago continues to make headlines. As envisioned, National Hug (or Kiss) a Gay Day will be introduced by Bush to Congress for consideration as a federally recognized holiday (meaning all government offices would be closed that day, along with public schools and financial institutions). Additionally, the budget would be increased by $30 billion to pay for National Hug (or Kiss) A Gay Day parades, sodomy seminars, kissing contests (‘natch) and related events designed to demonstrate America’s appreciation of the homosexual lifestyle.
THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS INITIATIVE. Bush wanted a ban on partial-birth abortions for a variety of reasons, one of which was so that he could demonstrate the old adage that what government gives with its right hand, its takes away with its left. Here, Bush would come out in support of a constitutional amendment allowing women to take their newborn babies and consecrate them on the altar of Moloch, that fun-loving and carefree Phoenician god whose mercies could only be secured by the sight and smell of charred infant flesh. Since there aren’t many altars of Moloch around these days, Bush can introduce a nationwide program for sculptors and artisans – funded with National Endowment of the Arts money – to create them by the thousands. The finished products would then be displayed at courthouses around the country, preferably in the exact spots where once stood reproductions of the Ten Commandments.
CAMPAIGN TO SAVE THE DINOSAURS. As a growing body of scientific research makes Darwin’s theory of evolution look ever more fraudulent, many "educators" fret that America’s young could one day simply stop believing that man sprung forth from the ape. To neutralize this disquieting possibility, Bush would appear at the Smithsonian Institute, with a display of dinosaur skeletons and other fossils as his backdrop, and tell the assembled reporters of his plan to issue an executive order authorizing the round-up and detention at Guantanamo Bay of anyone who espouses the anti-Darwinian theory of intelligent design. The beauty part about this particular Bush initiative is that it will result in imprisonment for most Americans, since most Americans believe in God and in the Bible’s account of creation – in other words, creation by intelligent design. And nearly all of those jailed Americans will have been one-time Bush supporters.
A more perfect way to turn-off the conservative base you’ll not find.
Go to it, Mr. One-Term President.
"Published originally at EtherZone.com : republication allowed with this notice and hyperlink intact."
Rich Smith has been a freelance journalist since 1976 and is currently based in a nearly liberal-free zone along the rim of California's fearsome Mojave Desert. He is a regular columnist for Ether Zone.
Rich Smith can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
Published in the January 30, 2004 issue of Ether Zone